


Heero's Journey

by Xelestial



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Gen, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-09 20:26:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3263264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xelestial/pseuds/Xelestial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set almost immediately after the end of Endless Waltz. It follows Heero's journey as he tries to figure out how to live a normal life while dealing with his tragic past and a future full of possibilities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story began off a question I received at the FuckYeahHeeroxRelena tumblr blog, concerning Heero's actions after Endless Waltz. Without that question, this story might not exist, so thank you anonymous...I think! 
> 
> Important to know! The following are what this story has taken as canon: Episode Zero (manga) > Gundam Wing (anime) > Blind Target (manga) > Endless Waltz. So I will be referencing events from all of that.
> 
> This prologue is very brief, but don't necessarily expect the same out of other chapters! Everything is very vague and unsure in my head right now, so I'm just taking one step at a time, just like Heero ;)

_January 2, AC 197_

Focused. Calm.  Yet passionate.

No matter how many times Relena gives a speech, I know her words are sincere. Not just me - everyone can see that she means them. That’s why Relena Darlian was able to become the unifying force the colonies and the Earth needed to achieve peace. And I know she’s strong enough to keep it that way.

Relena turns in my direction, trying to look into the faces of each and every one of the crowd. The light strikes her soft features in just the right way and I shift slightly. Her beauty comes from more than just her strength. For just a moment, I allow myself to relax. I stare right into her clear eyes, trying to remember every detail of her; her pale skin and long brown hair, the earnest expression on her face.

I am reminded of a time where I was finally able to touch that hair - that face - however briefly, telling myself I was simply reassuring her. The kiss that came later that same day surprised even me. But I can’t let myself linger on that thought. To do that right now, when she’s so close by, would make me a fool.

But maybe I’m one already.

_Goodbye Relena._

Just as it seems that she was about to look my way, I duck back behind the green curtain. My body is moving forward, but I feel like I’m leaving a part of myself behind.

But I have a promise to keep. So I don’t stop, and I don’t look back.


	2. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero decides to leave on a journey of sorts, but not before reminiscing about his last encounter with Relena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh this took me so long to write/edit. But I tried my best. I'm very nervous about being in Heero's head, but it's fun trying. However, it's all very difficult especially with kids running around and I still don't know where the story is going quite, so please don't expect updates regularly. However know that I want to write the next chapter just as bad as you hopefully will want to read it.

_January 2, AC 197_

I don’t know if I’ll ever see Relena again. No, that’s not it. I’ll see her on the TV, the net…these days it's impossible not to see her. And I’ll be keeping an eye on her, as always. I promised I’d protect her, and I’ll never let anything get in the way of that.

But…even so. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to meet her again, as anything more than protector and the protected.

I know this isn’t what she wants. I know it isn’t fair. Even though I can always see Relena, she can’t see me. And I know she worries, though I don’t want her to. But peace is too new and too tenuous for Relena to have any distractions right now, and that includes me.

And, the next time I meet Relena face-to-face… I want to be someone she can rely on, in every way that she needs me. I want to be someone worthy of being by her side. Someone worthy of her love.

I need to face my own past first. Relena’s kindness has given me a will and a reason to live, but I have to figure out how to live.

I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish this. But I know I’ll figure something out.

I start packing the few bags I have. I don’t know where I’m going but I know I have to leave this city. Relena is my weakness. No, it’s my own weakness that’s making this so hard. But I won’t let it stop me. I promised her…

The laptop on the hotel desk plays a melody. There’s an incoming call. I don’t stop packing.

There’s very few people who have my contact information.

The call ends, then immediately starts back up again. I let out a small sigh. Best to just get it over with.

I sit down and flip up the computer’s screen.

“Yo,” Duo says, his usual grin on his face.

I stare at him. He continues without waiting for the response that wasn’t coming anyway.

“I heard you were leaving the colonies today. And Miss Vice Foreign Minister doesn’t have her flight until tomorrow. What’s up with you two? Did you have a fight?”

I’m not going to ask how Duo found out any of that information, but I am somewhat impressed. Instead I reply, “You must be getting us confused with you and Hilde. Anyway, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Relena’s schedule has nothing to do with me.”

I know what he’s getting at, but there’s a part of me that just can’t let Duo have the upper hand. Like Relena, he seems to bring out a part of me that I thought I killed a long time ago. But unlike the part Relena brings out, I’m not proud of this one.

“Aw come on Heero, can’t you talk to me about this kind of stuff by now?” Duo smacks his head and shakes it. “After all that Mariemaia crap I thought you two would finally hook up for sure. I’m pretty sure I remember you rushing off to rescue a certain damsel in distress…and I heard you two got pretty cozy after,” Duo looked behind him quickly then got closer to the camera. “So, er….how was it? I mean, man, she was a queen once, and what guy doesn’t dream of-?”

“Duo!” Hilde’s voice came from somewhere off screen.

Duo turned his head and waved his hand dismissively with a nervous smile. “Chill out Hilde, it was just a joke!” Duo turned back to me, sighing. I couldn’t resist a smirk.  Duo didn’t miss it. “Oh shut up. So what happened?”

I thought back to that day, and looked down for a moment. The intimacy of those moments wasn’t something I wanted to share with Duo. But I didn’t see the point in lying either. if I didn’t tell Duo the truth, he’d just go bothering someone else for the information. Someone like Relena.

“After I entered the bunker, I collapsed. Relena stayed with me until I woke up at the hospital. We said goodbye and I left. That’s it. You’re making it out to be more than it is,” I said.

But Duo still wasn’t satisfied. “So you’re going to tell me that Relena just let you go? And you just walked away from Relena? Just like that? No crazy stuff?”

“No crazy stuff,” I said. But then I added, so he’d finally drop it, “She understands that I need some time.”

“Ohh,” Duo said. Now a smug smile was on his face. I tried not to show my annoyance as Duo continued. “So you finally spilled the beans and she rejected you, huh?”

What?!

“N-No!” I yelled, half standing up. Surprised at my own outburst, I took a breath and sat down. Somehow he always knew just the right button to push. Probably did it to get back at me for avoiding  his questions this long.

Duo’s laugh confirmed this. “I’m just messing with you. That girl is crazy for you. I’d have to be blind not to see that. So it’s just a temporary thing then?” he asked. Then his voice turned mocking and I could hear the amusement in it. “What, are you going on some kind of journey to find yourself?”  

I didn’t answer.

As the silent seconds passed by I watched all the mirth drain out of Duo’s face. “You can’t be serious! THAT’S why you’re leaving her? No offense Heero, but a guy like you’s never going to do much better than – oh. Ohh.” Suddenly, Duo looked uncomfortable. “I see now. I get it man. Well, that’s a goal worthy of respect I’d say. And you do have a lot of stuff to work on before you’d make a decent friend, much less partner.”

...Ever the polite one, Duo was.

“So then, I guess I’ll help you.”

…

…

…what? Did he just…?

“No. No, you won’t. I’m-“

“-doing this alone. Yeah, yeah. I know. Some things a man’s gotta do alone and all that. I understand. I’m just saying, when you’re thinking of doing something crazy or stupid, just … promise me you’ll call me or Quatre first. Actually, don’t even think about calling Trowa or Wufei. They’ll probably just tell you to do it.”

I couldn’t help smiling a little. Another promise, huh? I think this one will be much easier to avoid making.

“No deal. I don’t need anyone’s help with this.” I could see by the grin on Duo’s face that wasn’t going to work. I knew he was thinking. I resisted the urge to pinch my brow in irritation and added, “If I... promise, will you promise to leave Relena alone? You want info, you go through me and only me.”

Duo gave me a quick salute “Deal. I’ll be in touch, so you’d better answer,” he said. The screen went blank and I shut the laptop and packed it into my bag. I’d never really made a promise to anyone other than myself before meeting the other gundam pilots and Relena, but…i

It seemed if I wanted to change, life would require making a lot of them.

As I zipped up my last bag I found myself staring into the large window in front of my bed. I was at the top of the hotel, so you could see most of the city from here.

Promises…

I thought back to the one I had made on that day Duo had mentioned. The day I vowed to never kill again. The day I said goodbye to Relena.

 

* * *

_December 27, AC 196_

When I woke up the first time, I was in Relena’s arms, my head against her soft body.

I was still pretty out of it but…I remember feeling comfortable, and more at peace than I can remember feeling since early childhood. There was a pleasant scent I’ve come to identify with Relena. So I easily drifted back to sleep.

The next time I awoke I was in a hospital bed. I was immediately alarmed, considering what I’ve been taught about hospitals. But when I saw Relena there, sleeping in the chair beside me, I realized what happened and relaxed. I sat up and checked my body for injuries. I wasn’t hurt too badly, and had only a few bandages. It seemed to be night. I felt sure I could get out of there undetected, but….

Watching Relena sleep, her face innocent and open…she seemed almost…happy. Lately when I saw her, she seemed tired and stressed. But this Relena was more along the lines of the kind girl I first met on the beach.

I ended up watching her sleep for a long time despite my head telling me to get moving. During that time, I thought about Relena, and how I felt about her, trying to sort out the tangled mess that my feelings for her had become. I thought about myself and wondered if there was any future for us. I didn’t make much headway on either issue. I realized only two things. One was that she was the one thing I had to always protect. And the other...was that I couldn’t be with her the way she wanted right now.

That was when she finally opened her eyes. Since it was still night, she closed them again at first. Then with a little jump, she opened them and looked around. Her eyes fell on me. There was a little gasp and then she was up, out of her chair, walking over to me.   

“Heero! Oh, thank God you’re okay.” She stopped when she got close to me though, and looked out the window. Moonlight was streaming in on her – that had been what woke her up – and she rubbed her eyes. “It’s still night. I must look like a mess,” I heard her mutter under her breath.

Besides a few stray hairs under eyes, she looked fine. Not even a scratch from my assault on the bunker, to my relief. I wanted to tell her... that she always looked beautiful to me, that the moonlight suited her. But I couldn’t say anything. Especially not with what I had to tell her next . So instead I reached for her hand.

She turned to me, a look of shock on her face. I was surprised too, but I knew I had to do this. I stared into her eyes, unsure how to begin. Relena stared right back for a few moments, and then I could see understanding grow in them. She gave me a sad smile and sat down on the bed across from me.

We said nothing for a long while. She looked out the window at the moon and I looked at her, illuminated by the moonlight. I unconsciously reached out to touch her hair and instead, Relena turned toward me, and leaned in close across the bed. I was caught off guard, and my eyes widened. Her intense blue eyes, her silken hair, her luminescent skin were all bathed in the moon’s glow. But the look on her face was one I’ve seen many times, it was one that would unnerve most people. It was one of determination.

“I was surprised to still see you here when I awoke. But now I think I understand. Is this it? Is this goodbye for good, Heero?”

I found myself looking down at our hands, still joined. “I don’t know.” Why do I feel ashamed of myself? I know I’m doing the right thing.

“I can’t accept that, Heero. I want to...I need to know that you will come back to me,” Relena said.

I looked back up at her now. Tears had filled her eyes.

“Do you remember what I said last year? Every day, I want to know where you are. I want to know that you’re okay. But I know that you won’t tell me,” Relena’s voice sounded sadder than ever. I wanted to explain why I didn’t tell her, but once again, I couldn’t find the words. I stared into her eyes, trying to communicate my feelings in whatever way I could. She gave a brief smile and I knew she understood, at least a little.

“If you’re going to leave now, please, for my sake – for my sanity, Heero - I need you to let me know, from now on. Whenever you can, however you can, tell me that you’re doing okay,” Relena said. She hesitated and then added, “And I need to believe that one day you will come back to me again.”

Unable to hold them back any longer, the tears started streaming down her cheeks. Once again, I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to wipe them away. This time she caught my hand and leaned her face against it. She looked at me with such sad eyes, it was killing me. “I know you have to do this. I know I’m being incredibly selfish. But promise me…promise me Heero. Tell me that you’ll come back, and…and that after you do, you’ll never leave my side again.”

I searched her face. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. A way out, maybe? Some sign that she didn’t know what she was saying or that she didn’t mean it? But I saw none. I only saw how I was breaking every fiber of her being.

My own eyes threatened some kind of mutiny against me as they started burning. I felt for a moment, lost, helpless, and disgusted with myself. What am I doing? Someone like Relena needed me, actually wanted me, and I was risking throwing all of that away. I felt confused and…scared. I’m not used to being unsure of myself, but Relena often makes me feel this way. In a way, all of those  feelings are what made me sure I was doing the right thing by leaving. I was still weak. As much as I was afraid of losing her,  I still feared being with her and how she made me feel. And I still don’t feel a killer like me deserves someone like her. I still need to figure out if I can become worthy, and it’s better to do it now, before things with us went any further.

But if Relena needed to believe in me, to believe I would come back, then that would make my resolve to figure this out all the stronger.

“Relena…” My hand left her face and grabbed her other arm. I pulled her body closer to mine, my hands acting of their own volition.

I never know what I’m doing when it comes to her.

“I’ll keep protecting you when you need me,” I said, my eyes gazing into hers. “And one day I’ll come back to you. When I do..." I swallowed. I had never expected to live beyond last year and here I was making my first promise for the future. "I won’t leave you again. I promise.”

Relena stared back at me, eyes wide again. I saw her lips moving, repeating my last words as if she couldn't believe it. I wasn’t sure that I could either. But I knew I meant it. She gave me a radiant smile through all the tears.

Just when I think she can’t get any more beautiful, she always surprises me.

“Thank you, Heero.” For once I felt no hesitation in her as she threw her arms around me, and buried her face into my chest. I knew it was to hide the tears that were still coming. She realized how hard this was for me. I gently placed my arms around her delicate body and held back only for a moment before I laid my head against hers.

“I’ll always believe in you,” she whispered against my chest. “So I’ll wait for you, as long as you need me to.”

 

 


	3. Winners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero goes about normal life, but his memories are catching up to him. Duo notifies him that Quatre has a program to tell him about that might help Heero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erg, this chapter was difficult because I am still getting used to this whole thing. Being in first person is kind of like wearing someone else's skin so I have to get used to Heero's (ignoring any weird images that brings up). 
> 
> I've added dates and will have to go back and add dates to the previous chapters later. I am terrified that it will be too boring because I have no experience with pure drama/emotional stuff. I mean, we are inside Heero's head in a situation where there will be hardly any action, which I have little experience writing such things. So, hopefully it will get better? Expect more characters to make an appearance and there will be time skips and stuff. Any comments appreciated. Also apologies for chapter title. couldn't think of any.

_January 20, AC 197_

I prefer being alone. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

It’s usually easier to be alone. You only have to worry about yourself, and I know I can handle whatever comes up on my own.

Not everything can be accomplished alone though. And humans are, by nature, social creatures that yearn for the company of others.

And there’s another downside. If you have no one around and no goals to accomplish, you have too much time to think. That’s when the memories start tormenting you. Everything you haven’t dealt with replays in your mind endlessly.

I was sitting on the transit shuttle, absorbed in one of those bad memories when my phone vibrated. I quickly checked it, grateful for the distraction. It was an email from Duo. It read:

 

> _I was talking with quatre about what we talked about the other day and he had a pretty good suggestion. seems there’s a program relena started for war vets to get some help dealing with all the crap from the war. we could probably all stand to see a shrink or something but thought it might help you the most right now. if you’re interested, call quatre around noon today. he should be free then._
> 
> _p.s. no need to thank me._
> 
> _p.p.s. hilde says hi (sorry man, she made me type it)_
> 
> _-Duo_

He didn’t say it straight out, but Duo seemed to think I needed professional help. I was surprised. Even Duo should know me better than that. There was no way in hell I wanted help with this in the first place. Especially from a stranger. I had heard of Relena’s initiative before the email but I... _Relena._ I slipped into thinking about the last time I talked to her. _She’s waiting for me._ But how long would Relena wait while I figured this out?

…

I thought back to what I had been thinking a few moments ago. _Not everything can be accomplished alone_. I would think I would have learned that by now. The mere fact that I spend most of my days lately going over bad memories again and again in my mind proves that I am too weak to do this on my own.

I looked at the clock on my phone. 11:43 AM. When the shuttle stopped, I could call Quatre. Yeah. I should at least see what he had to say. But the thought of calling him chafed on me as the shuttle ride went on. Quatre was a genuinely kind person and one of the strongest I know. But I didn’t like coming to him for help. And I knew he might bring up Relena, which was the last thing I wanted to talk about right then.

The shuttle slowed to a stop. I stood up and waited for my turn to walk out. As soon as I stood on the station sidewalk, I pulled out my phone. 12:04 PM. I looked up Quatre’s contact information but hesitated over the dial button. My stomach felt odd and I found myself swallowing more than usual. Was I...actually nervous? Realizing my own weakness made me even more agitated and I forcefully pressed the screen to dial.

When Quatre answered, I was probably a little more rough than usual in responding. But Quatre just laughed it off. “It’s good to hear from you Heero. How have you been? Wait, no, don’t answer that. Sorry,” Quatre sighed. “Duo told me what you’re doing…and I know it can’t be easy for you,” I relaxed a little. Quatre was still the kind and understanding guy he was when I met him. I was glad he was able to make it through the war with that intact. Not like me.

Quatre continued, “But for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. It takes a strong person to want to change. I hope you don’t forget that.”

_So then why do I feel so weak?_

“But I know you don’t want to hear any of that right now,” Quatre said. He was pretty much carrying the entire conversation by himself but he didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe he’d just expected it. “I bet you’re wondering why Duo asked you to call me.” It was true; I would have thought Duo would have just given me the information directly. But as the heir of the Winner family, Quatre had a lot of connections and wielded a lot of power. It was possible he had something to tell me that only he knew. I felt some gratitude as I realized how busy he must be. Yet he was taking the time out to talk to me and even express concern. He was a lot like Relena, in that way.

“Do you have some information for me?” I asked.

“Yeah, actually. There’s a program Relena’s started - you’ve probably already heard of it. It’s a Veterans Assistance program to help soldiers reintegrate into society. Relena had already started working on it before...well, before Mariemaia,” Quatre sounded uncomfortable but quickly moved on. “But after that, she decided to get it really moving. She’s been working hard on getting it started.”

I already knew all of that. Relena was no fool. She realized fighters like those who joined Mariemaia’s army felt like there was no place for them to go now. In order to keep the peace, the best thing she could do was help transition them back into society. It was no easy task, and it was one that would require a lot of funding. But through Relena’s tremendous force of will, the program had already started accepting applicants. A thought suddenly came to mind. _Was one of the reasons she created the program because of me?_

“So you want me to join this program,” I said. “What about you and Duo?” I didn’t know why I was asking. Maybe I felt a little singled out, or perhaps even bitter that I couldn’t seem to find my way like those two did. Their naturally upbeat personalities helped them bounce back quickly, but I had no doubts that they had their bad days too.

There was silence for a few moments before Quatre answered, in a lower voice. “I know that I’ve taken lives. I tell myself that I did what I had to but I didn’t have the right…” Quatre sighed heavily.

“Forget it. I don’t need to know,” I said. There was no reason to drag Quatre through the mud with me.

“No...no you’re right. There’s a lot of stuff that I think everyone who fought in the war has to deal with. But I also think everyone will find their own way to deal with it, in their own time,” he said. “I can’t stop right now to dwell on my past mistakes because there are too many people depending on me. And Duo is probably finding his own way to deal with everything that’s happened in his daily life. But right now, it seems like it’s your time to deal with your past. At least, it seems like you’re ready to anyway.”

“We just want to help you out in any way we can. If this program doesn’t sound right for you, then I’d completely understand if you didn’t want to do it. But I can’t help but think that Relena would have wanted you to….no, sorry, that’s not fair.”

Quatre paused, and then said, “I just mean, if you don’t have any plans on where to start, why not just check it out and see what you think? One of my sisters is actually a psychologist participating in the program. I knew that you might feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger, so I was hoping maybe if you had someone you knew, even through someone else….” Quatre trailed off. It was clear was trying his best to help me, even if he wasn’t entirely sure how to. And I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond. The old me would have just walked away from this, shelved it to deal with it later. But I no longer had that luxury. In my mind, the clock had started ticking. And I didn’t have any other ideas where to start anyway.

“OK. Just tell me what I need to do,” I said.

There was a few seconds of silence. Apparently he hadn’t actually expected me to say yes.

“I’ll...get you an appointment with her right away. When would be good for you?”

We exchanged details and agreed upon a few times that’d work. After that, I asked him how Trowa and Wufei were doing as I walked to the restaurant I’d be having lunch at. He hadn’t talked with them recently but it seemed they were doing well. Better than me anyway. When we said our goodbyes, Quatre thanked me as if I were the one helping him.

When I ended the call, I found a small smile on my face. I wasn’t completely sure why, but I felt...better. I liked having some sort of plan – it helped me keep my eyes on the bigger picture, on what mattered. And, I felt lucky to know someone like Quatre.

As I sat down and waited for a waiter to take my order, I glanced at the TV. A ticker on the bottom was going by, and after a few moments of watching, Relena’s name appeared, though only talking about the colony she was visiting today. I never got tired of getting even small updates like that, because then I knew she was out there doing her best too. And that she was safe.

The waiter came up just then and took my order and provided coffee. As I sipped it I remembered then that Relena and Quatre had talked several times. They had first met in the Sanc Kingdom but had spoken more recently on business since he’d returned to his job as the head of the Winner family. Relena and Quatre…as I compared their differences and similarities in my mind, I idly wondered if Relena and Quatre had ever discussed me. It seemed that the coffee tasted a lot more bitter all of a sudden, and I shook off the thought.

I realized that I really didn’t want to know.

* * *

 

 _January 26, AC 197_  

“Why don’t you start off by telling me about yourself, Heero?” Dr. Winner asked. Her long ponytail was blonde like Quatre’s hair, but for the most part I would have never guessed they were related if I hadn’t known. She had a significantly more mature look about her, and I guessed her to be in her 30s at least.

“My name is Heero Yuy. You already have my address and birth date information,” I said. I knew this wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but my response was reflexive. And I didn’t know what to say anyway.

A little smile appeared on Dr. Winner’s face. “Is that your real name?”

I tensed. What had Quatre told her? Or was it that there was something too ironic about a former soldier being named after the former peace-oriented leader of the colonies?

I didn’t answer. I was grappling with what I grew up being taught about secrecy - especially to an unknown person - and my subsequent realization that it wasn’t necessary anymore. At least not to this degree.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking about something,” Dr. Winner said. “Today, we’re just getting to know one another. But know that your information won’t go beyond these walls. Not even to Quatre. It’s just between you and me.”

My eyes fell on the tablet in her hand. Not beyond these walls? Even the best intentions didn’t matter up against poor security. I saw Dr. Winner’s eyes fall to where I was looking.

“Are you worried about information leaking out?” she asked.

I said nothing. I felt a little guilty, but I knew how easy it was to hack into a system.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, Heero. You seem afraid that someone is going to be able to find out what we discuss here though. Is there anything in particular that you would prefer me not to write down?”

My hands curled into fists several times as I tried to fight down everything telling me this whole thing was a bad idea. Dr. Winner only patiently watched me which caused me to feel even more frustrated. My distrust of others...it was bordering on paranoia lately. But I began to understand that my discomfort with a subject others considered normal was a sign that I should be trying to change it. At least a little.

“My name...I don’t have a one. Heero Yuy… was my code name,” I said, finally. Dr. Winner seemed surprised but I pushed on ahead. “The address you have is fake, and so is the birthday. I don’t have either one.” I’d known all of this for years, but hearing it aloud somehow, being said to a stranger made it seem even more pathetic. _Have I really been living this way all these years, thinking it was normal?_

There was a silence and I looked at Dr. Winner. She still looked somewhat surprised.

 “Well...wow. Thank you for telling me that Heero,” she said. “It’s still shocking to hear that sort of thing for me. And I realize that feeling comes from my own sheltered background.” Now I was the one was surprised. She genuinely looked sad. “But it seems to be a not uncommon story. There has been so much fighting and killing in the past few decades that a lot of children have grown up without ever knowing their parents.” The disgusted way she’d said the words fighting and killing betrayed how she felt about it. Quatre and Relena came to mind. Not for the first time, I found myself being thankful that it was all over. 

“Was that what happened to you, Heero? How much do you remember of your family?” she asked.

My family...It was a painful subject, one I’ve spent years locking up in my mind. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about it, but that uncertainty convinced me to push forward again. “It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about them. Memories like that are – were - useless to my survival.” Even thinking back past Dr. J and Odin Lowe was difficult. There were a lot of painful times there, in the years even before I became an assassin. “I...I remember my parents a little. But then they…” I felt my face distort with pain. _What is this? I thought I had dealt with this years ago._ “I…” I struggled to find the words, but I felt…sick.

Dr. Winner put down her tablet. “Heero, it’s okay. We don’t need to talk about that now. That’s enough for today.”

“But-” I said. We’d barely talked at all, and I’d already hit a wall!

“It’s fine. We’ll get to all of that soon enough.”

She got up and reached out her hand. I realized she wanted me to shake it and my thoughts flashed back to the man known as Zechs Merquise. Was that really just two years ago? I inhaled and exhaled a little to calm myself, then took her hand and shook it. It was strange, but I felt like I should say something after that. But the only thing that came to mind was “thanks”, so that was what I told her.

“No need to thank me yet Heero, we’re just getting started,” she said with a smile.

And that was my first session of many with Dr. Winner.


	4. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Winner gets to know Heero and tries making her first suggestion to improve himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, this story is probably the hardest thing I've ever written. I worked on it for days off and on, wanting to stop and doubting myself until I ended up splitting it into more chapters. It's been difficult but I'm starting to see the beginnings of where I want to go with this story. I appreciate your support <3

**Chapter 4**

_February 12, AC 197_

“You know, Heero, I bet you’d make a great performer. Maybe an acrobat? Or maybe even something with animals. They seem to like you about as much as they like Trowa.”

I took the prepaid card Catherine was holding out to me. I didn’t see cards much anymore, but they were still a good way to get funds without either party knowing more than they needed to about each other. _I guess a lot of circus performers want to stay off the grid. Trowa picked a good cover, but then again, he has always been the best at infiltration._ I thought back to the time I ended up staring at Trowa down the barrel of a gun. He seemed nothing like the man with warm eyes before me now.

“Leave him alone, Catherine. That’s just not the way he works,” Trowa said. Catherine sighed and a sulky look came over her face. “But she is right,” Trowa added quickly. “You would be an excellent performer Heero.”

Catherine immediately perked up. “See, Trowa thinks so too!” she said. She seemed to totally ignore Trowa’s prior sentence as well as the part where I didn’t respond. From what I could gather, this seemed to be a common occurrence. But I was surprised at how good Trowa seemed be with her. As I grabbed my jacket I mentally marked him off as someone whose skills might be helpful in certain future situations.

“Remember I’m only here for a few weeks. I’m fine with anything you want me to do. Except performing,” I said. I pushed back the tent’s curtain and stepped out into the night. The air was cool and crisp here in the grassy field. The colonies didn’t really need to change the weather. They could stay in a comfortable range year-round. But most cities on the colonies chose not to. Even after almost 200 years, it seemed that humans still yearned for natural things like the change of the seasons.

I couldn’t help but to think back to my time on the Earth. It was incredible, far beyond what I had imagined. But I had been so focused on my mission and then on my guilt that I hadn’t really opened my eyes to seeing it. At least, not until I was forced to take shelter in the Sanc Kingdom for a brief time. Relena’s kingdom...it was there that I truly realized the great beauty the Earth held. It was during that time that I realized I wanted to protect not only the colonies, but the Earth too.

I wandered through memories of my time in Sanc with Relena until a voice broke my daydreaming.

“I’m surprised you’re still here.”

I jumped a fraction, and that action was more surprising to me than the voice itself. Daydreaming was not something I could remember myself doing in recent memory. _What is going on with me?_

I turned around. I knew Trowa’s sharp eyes had seen it. I carefully examined him. He was dressed normally now, wearing a grey-green blazer over his usual turtle neck and slacks. He looked worried. Trowa didn’t often openly show his emotions, but it seemed being with Catherine had made him relax more.

“Sorry.”

He seemed at a loss for words so I cut in before the awkward silence could settle in.

“What did you need?”

“I...just wanted to see if you wanted to go out.”

I blinked. Go out? As in...go do something together? For fun? It had seemed...tempting, in the past, but I never had the time to spare on foolishness. And deep down I knew I didn’t deserve it anyway.

But that was the kind of thinking that Dr. Winner said I needed to change. “If you want to reintegrate - or in your case, integrate - into ‘normal’ life, you have to do ‘normal’ things. You’re still so young Heero. You have to believe that it’s okay for you to fully experience life. If you truly want to move on from your past, you have to start allowing yourself to be a kid and all that comes with that,” she had said last week.

It was easier said than done. That kind of thinking was the exact kind of thing I was taught _not_ to do once I started training under Doctor J.

Then again, I’ve also been living by going with my gut feelings when they wouldn’t get in the way of my mission. And sometimes, even when they did. They haven’t always been right but they have gotten me to where I am.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked.

“Just some coffee,” Trowa said without missing a beat. I guessed I had caught him off balance earlier, but he showed no hint of what he was thinking now.

“Alright,” I said.

As we walked to our bikes, I thought back to my second session with Dr. Winner last week. She had asked me to explain more about who I was and my past. I had told her mostly the basics - that I was a gundam pilot in the war. I had planned to say I was just a mobile suit pilot but I knew Dr. Winner would ask more about what side I was fighting for…and I’d found that I didn’t want to lie to this woman. It was even surprisingly easy to tell her the truth - probably because my gundam is long gone.

But the real surprise came when she’d asked me if I had had any comrades.

* * *

 

_February 5, AC 197 – Last week_

“Not at first. By the end, yeah,” I’d replied. “Four other guys my age including Quatre.”

Dr. Winner’s blue eyes had widened at that. I felt my own go a little wider as I processed what had just happened. _She didn’t know? Quatre, you didn’t tell her? “_...Sorry. Thought you knew.”

It took only a moment for Dr. Winner to regain herself. “No...well, I suppose it’d be more appropriate to say that I had heard the rumors, but I haven’t been in touch with my sisters as much as I should have been. In fact, I was surprised when Quatre reached out to me last month. I knew that Father had talked of disowning Quatre for abandoning our pacifist ways, but I couldn’t really believe it, especially when I’d heard Quatre might even have been piloting a gundam,” she said.

She looked down at the floor, her face still a picture of disbelief. “Our own little Quatre….” Dr. Winner looked back up at me now. “It would seem Quatre and I need to have a talk of our own. But that’s our problem. So please, continue. You were saying these boys were your comrades? Did you have anyone else helping you? Someone you were working for perhaps? Or support from somewhere else on the colonies?”

I thought of Doctor J, but it still seemed strange to talk about him. “When I started the man who trained me also gave me my missions. But that stopped early in the war. As far as other ‘support’….”

Various names appeared in my mind. I had never really realized how many people had helped me in some way. And once I’d thought I didn’t need anyone.

Besides the four pilots, Catherine had helped Trowa take care of me after I was ordered to destroy my gundam, and Noin helped me in her own way at times, as did Sally. But the person who supported me the most, the person who had given me a reason to fight and most importantly, to come back alive….

“Relena? Is that what you said? By any chance are you referring to the Vice-Foreign Minister?” Dr. Winner asked suddenly.

_Did I just say that out loud?!_

Dr. Winner grinned when she saw my alarm. “Sometimes when we have a lot on our minds, our subconscious will let a thing or two slip. It’s completely normal. I’m sorry if I’m prying; I just didn’t expect to hear that name of all things. You seem to be full of surprises, Heero.”

 _“So even you can be surprised. Ever since I met you it’s been me who keeps getting surprised by you.”_ Relena’s words echoed through my head. _If she thinks I’m surprising, she should meet Relena._ _Nothing’s much made sense to me since I met her._

That’s what I wanted to say. But on the other hand I didn’t want to admit what had just happened, much less explain who I was talking about. Too bad for me it didn’t look like I had a choice. There was no legitimate reason to start lying now.   

“Yeah, that Relena. Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian. We’ve…spoken before.” _Why am I so reluctant to talk about Relena?_ I wasn’t sure, but I knew I couldn’t. Not right now.

“Why did you mention her just now?” Dr. Winner asked.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly.

Dr. Winner laid back into her seat, her eyes distant and thoughtful. She wrote something on her tablet. I looked out the window in an effort to keep myself calm.

“Since the session’s almost over, why don’t we go back through what we’ve discussed today?”

I nodded. One thing I liked about Dr. Winner was that she understood when a conversation was over. If only more people did.

“You were born on the L1 colony. You lost your parents around 4 or 5 and survived on the streets until your mentor picked you up,” Dr. Winner said, reading off her tablet. “Then when your mentor died, you were trained by someone else to become a gundam pilot?”

I nodded again. It was…strange, hearing someone sum up your life in so few sentences.

“Your comrades were four other boys, including my brother, and some others from time to time I assume,” Dr. Winner almost pointedly skipped over my Relena remark. “So…what are you doing now?”

I hadn’t anticipated _this_ question. My mind blanked. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Let me put it this way, Heero. How do you keep yourself busy? Do you have a job? Are you in school?”

“I-” I broke off. I what? Kept myself busy with keeping tabs on Relena? Did whatever odd jobs I could find? The truth sounded pathetic.

“I’m not in school. Sometimes I take on jobs that utilize my skillset,” I said, choosing my words carefully. I would not be divulging the details of the jobs here, therapy or not.

“Do you enjoy these jobs?”

I looked down. Again, another question I hadn’t anticipated. _Did_ I enjoy the jobs? I turned the question over and over again in my head.

I was simply using the skills that I’d acquired over the course of my life. It was more perfunctory than enjoyable. I did enjoy gundam combat in the past, and the adrenaline rush of life or death situations _could_ be addictive.

But overall…?

“Not really,” I finally answered.

Dr. Winner wrote something down on her tablet. Then she looked up at me and asked, “What would you prefer to be doing?”

This answer was easy, although useless.

“Don’t know.”

“You have no idea at all?”

I shook my head. “I’ll be honest. I didn’t think I’d live this long, so I never gave it much thought.”

I thought I saw sadness in Dr. Winner’s eyes, just for an instant. “Do you have anything you do enjoy doing?”

I thought for a few moments. Things I liked to do… Other than gundam combat I assumed she meant. Normal things.

“Never had much time to relax. But when I did… I liked spending time outside… reading… almost anything with animals...I enjoyed school when I got the chance to attend,” I answered. After a moment, I added, “I learned a lot of skills with both of my mentors. Things I would use to infiltrate facilities with. But I... enjoyed learning those too.”

“Have you thought about going back to school?”

I shook my head again. “Haven’t really thought about the future.”

“That’s alright,” Dr. Winner said. She put her tablet down and crossed her arms thoughtfully. “I have a suggestion for you Heero, if I may.”

A suggestion? Already? But I’d barely said anything. “What?”

“These comrades of yours…they must be keeping busy in some way. Perhaps you could check in with them, see if they have any work for you?”

Huh? What did that have to do with…?

“I prefer working alone.”

Dr. Winner was silent for a few moments and I was beginning to wonder if she was getting frustrated with me.  

“Heero, what is it that you want most out of these sessions? There must be some driving reason for you to have come to me.”

I hesitated. I still wasn’t ready to talk about everything, even though I knew I should. I just...couldn’t. I thought of what I could say to tell her the truth without revealing too much.

“I want to become a stronger person,” I said. “I want to be able to live a normal life.”

_Without being chased by all these memories._

Dr. Winner smiled gently. “You may not think so, but you seem like an extremely strong person to me already, Heero. And if you feel you want to improve certain aspects of yourself, then I’m sure you’ll only get stronger. But even the strongest people can’t do it alone. If you have comrades or friends, you should utilize them in whatever way you feel comfortable as a support system. If you have others who have been through similar experiences as you have, then I don’t think anyone could understand you better. If you spend time with them, see how they’re adjusting, you might learn something about yourself,” she said.

The way she spoke, with so much sincerity… I could see why she was in this field. She felt passionate about helping others. “And,” she added, “if you’re looking for a new line of work then getting out there and trying lots of different things might help. Of course, I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do, but you should at least think about it, Heero.”

Dr. Winner fell silent and sat there, looking at me. There was a kind of steel in her eyes that I’d seen in a few other people I knew. It was almost too ironic. It seemed like I kept meeting these people that were able to force me out of my comfort zone. In remembering them, a smile spread over my lips.

“That would be the first time I saw you smile. But I get the feeling it wasn’t for me,” Dr. Winner said.

 _Then who was it for?_ I let the unspoken question hang in the air for a moment before speaking.

“I’ll think about it.”

 


	5. Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero talks with Quatre and Trowa.

_February 7_ _ th_ _, AC 197_

At first, I didn’t really have any intention of actually working with any of my former comrades, but a brief conversation with Quatre helped change my mind.

“So…my sister called me yesterday. I’d forgotten how much of a temper Sara could have,” Quatre had said. A temper? It didn’t exactly mesh with the image of the calm Dr. Winner I knew. But the woman obviously took her job as a professional seriously. Despite his words, I could hear the amusement in Quatre’s voice.

“Sorry about that. You should have told me she didn’t know.”

“No, it was my fault. I guess...I wanted you to tell her. I couldn’t figure out how to tell her or any of my sisters. It’s not the sort of thing I like to talk about.” There was a hint of sadness in Quatre’s voice, but he perked back up. “But hey, now that Sara knows, she’ll tell all my other sisters. So that’s one less thing for me to worry about.”

I didn’t really see how that was a good thing, but I realized Quatre was trying to see the situation in a positive light. For his pacifist family to realize their little brother was actually a killer...I felt like I was the one who got off easy after the war. I found myself trying to think of a way to cheer Quatre up.

“I appreciate the help Quatre. I’m not sure this therapy thing is going to work but at least I’m doing something.”

“Really? I mean - you’re welcome! It was no problem!” This time I could tell the joy in Quatre’s voice was genuine. “Actually, I called ‘cause I just got off the phone with Trowa. His traveling circus is coming by the colony you’re on next week. Circuses probably aren’t your thing, but I thought maybe he’d like it if you’d come say hello. He’d never ask himself though, so please don’t mention that I told you. Uh, could you please hold on a minute?” I heard muffled voices through the phone. I remembered what I’d thought about the last time we spoke, how Quatre always seemed busy but he always took the time out to check on me. I’d told him once that that kindness of his was something he’d need one day when the fighting was over, and I was sure that was what helped him live from day to day now.

His voice came back in clear. “I’m sorry Heero, I have to go, but I hope you’ll at least think about seeing Trowa. Maybe even the show too? Well, feel free to call me anytime!”

I said goodbye and ended the call. Trowa...

Trowa had saved my life once and traveled across the Earth with me for a short time. He helped me while I tried to find a salve for all the guilt and pain I carried. Even thinking back to that time is still incredibly painful. Looking back, I realized that I owed Trowa a great deal and that I was lucky I wasn’t alone during that time. If I had been, I might’ve….

_No, that kind of thinking never goes anywhere good._

I brought myself back to the present by focusing on my surroundings. I was in my hotel room. These days all I ever did between jobs was sit in some hotel room or at a restaurant. The jobs I had gotten I had found by going to the ‘right’ websites on the net, and I’d even been able to give a few tip offs to Preventer from watching these sites as well. I had thought about using the connections I had used with Odin as a child but I knew most, if not all of those contacts would want me to do something I had vowed to never do again.

My eyes swept the plain hotel room, lost in memories of the past despite myself until they fell back on my phone. _Trowa…_

I sighed. I didn’t have any reason not to call him except for being stuck in my old way of thinking. I knew Trowa wouldn’t be pushy and he’s always insightful. He’s a calming person to be around.

And besides, all I ever did anymore was sit and brood about the past. That wasn’t me and I was never going to let it be me.

_The only reason I’m still alive is because I never stopped moving and there’s no point in stopping now._

…! That was it. I realized the reason I stopped moving was because I didn’t have a clear goal, or a mission. So I just had to come up with a plan and act on it.

It was as simple as that.

...Well, it should have been as simple as that. The truth was that I didn’t really know what I should be doing at all. My eyes wandered to the phone again and I looked up Trowa’s number. Dr. Winner’s words were still fresh in my mind. _Well, at least I can do something instead of just sitting here_.

I pressed call and waited as it rang….and rang. No answer. He was probably busy, unlike me. I put my phone down and hesitated a moment before doing what I tended to do when I was feeling particularly down - check up on Relena.

In a few minutes I was able to figure out where she was and where she was going. I watched a brief video on her press conference from last night. She spoke with the same conviction in her voice that she always had, but...was it just me worrying too much, or did she seem different somehow? I enlarged the clip and peered into her face. Maybe she was just tired. But that didn’t make me feel much better.

_Relena’s moving mountains and I’m just here-_

At that moment, my phone played a brief melody. It was Trowa.

“Hey,” Trowa said.

“Thanks for calling me back.”

“No problem. Did you need something?” Trowa’s voice sounded somewhat tense. I realized that I had never just called him to chat. In fact, I never called anyone to chat.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just spoke with Quatre. He said...he said your circus was going to be performing on L1 X-05351 next week.”

“Yeah…” Trowa sounded surprised and confused as well.

I found myself hesitating, but Dr. Winner, Quatre and of course Relena immediately came to mind. I glanced at her image on the screen again. _I have to change._

“That’s the colony I’ve been at for the past few weeks. I...Do you…” I trailed off. _Why is this so hard?_

But Trowa helped me out. “Do you want to meet up or something?”

“Er, yeah. Actually,” I said, getting into my stride now “I wanted to see if I could take a temp job with you. My current schedule is completely open and staying in hotels isn’t cheap.”

There was a silence as Trowa processed what I had said. He likely knew how to get funding through less honest means as well, and he would know that I did too.  That combined with the fact that I was open to taking a job at a _circus_ …He had to know something was up.

“Ah, I see. Yeah, I’m sure there’s something you could do around here. Unless you were looking to perform?” Trowa said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“No thanks. You know my skills, just stick me wherever I’d be useful.”

As we talked out the details I started to feel more confident. Trowa was an empathetic but also confident man. I might be able to learn something by being around him for a while.

I found myself smiling. There was also some other part, deep inside, that was almost...excited to see him again. I reflexively went to quash this part, as I had been trained to do, but then stopped as I realized there was no reason not to feel this way. It was a... _normal_ feeling. I’d seen others my age act this way at the prospect of “hanging out”, but I had never considered myself one of them before. A normal teenager. But maybe it was time to start.

 

* * *

 

_February 12, AC 197_

I started walking and Trowa followed.

We walked in silence until we reached our motorcycles. As I pulled on my helmet it occurred to me that I had paid for this bike with illegal funds. I wondered if that was why it was meaningless to me? I had been living off of charity and money I had transferred into fake accounts illegally all my life. If I bought something with the money I had earned, would I really find some new meaning in it?

We started our bikes and Trowa motioned for me to follow him. We pulled onto the highway and sped into the night. I glanced up at the stars as we rode. They were beautiful, but now that I knew how bright the real ones were, they seemed paler in comparison.

I wondered if Trowa and the other pilots ever felt this way. We came to the Earth only to free the colonies, but I doubt any of the other pilots could have imagined what Earth was really like.

A little after we entered the city limits, Trowa stopped in front of a cafe near the corner of a street. I stopped too and took off my helmet. It wasn’t anything fancy, in fact it was sandwiched between pharmacy and a meat market. Is this what they called a hole in the wall? Or was it a dive? Either way, it seemed like something Trowa might like.

Trowa walked up the steps to the Green Rivers cafe. “Inside or outside?” he asked.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” I said.

“Then go find a table. I’ll order for us, if that’s okay with you. I’ve been coming here a lot lately and I think I’ve got a pretty good feel for their menu,” Trowa said.

I nodded and turned to leave.“ I almost told him how I liked my coffee, but then I realized he probably already knew. I sat down at one of the tables near a window and looked around before I realized what I was doing. I was checking to see if they had a TV.

Trowa came to the table and sat down. I hadn’t spotted one anywhere. I stifled a little sigh. I had gone all day without checking up on Relena for the first time in a year. I wanted to pull out my phone but I didn’t want Trowa to think that I was ignoring him. I looked at Trowa and realized he had been casually observing me.

“Something wrong?” he asked.

“Not really.” I wasn’t sure what to say.

Trowa gave a small smile. “Now I see why you never chose to go undercover. You’re terrible at lying.”

I recoiled a little, my pride somewhat hurt. I knew it was silly, but I had always thought of myself as pretty good at staying beneath the radar. But then I met Trowa and realized I was really only ever barely passing. I couldn’t help but hear my old mentor Odin’s words in my head, always giving me advice like “relax” or “act more natural”. Tch. It wasn’t really like me to be dishonest anyway. I only did it when I felt the situation called for it.

Knowing it was immature, I shook off any possible retort I could give and instead stayed silent, staring at the table. I still didn’t know what to say, as was the case all too often these days.

“Is this about Relena?” Trowa asked.

My eyes jerked back up to meet Trowa’s. “How did you-?”

“It’s written all over your face. You’re worried. And the only thing _you_ could be worried about is Relena. I don’t want to pry, Heero, but if you want to talk, I might be able to help.”

A waitress appeared then and sat our drinks down on the table. I kept my eyes fixed on the coffee before me now and waited until she walked away.

“I haven’t checked up on her in a while, that’s all,” I said, a little irritated with Trowa’s perceptiveness.

“Ah, of course you’d be worried, especially after last year,” Trowa gestured toward me with one hand. “Go ahead and check Heero, but I’m pretty sure she’s fine. With a small smile he lifted his coffee to his lips then stared out the window.  It was as if I wasn’t even there anymore. It seemed he was giving me some privacy.

I somewhat reluctantly pulled my phone out of my pocket and did a quick search on Relena Darlian. No eye catching headlines popped out at me, and the latest article mentioned that her last speech went over well. She was heading back to Earth soon in fact, the article said. _What is she going to be doing on Earth…?_ I caught myself before I continued down that line of thought and looked at Trowa. He was still looking away when he spoke. “Everything OK?” he asked in a tone that said he already knew the answer.

“Yeah,” I said. I picked up my coffee. It smelled rich and strong. I took a large sip without fear, already knowing it was going to be good.

Trowa turned to me now. “So, what’ve you been up to?”

I hesitated once again. Would Quatre have already told him?

“Not much. Just some odd jobs here and there,” I said. The coffee might have been the best I’d ever tasted. It was simple but intense. As I’d guessed Trowa had known what I’d like.

Lately it felt like everyone else knew more about me than me. Then again people knowing me at all was a still new experience for me, so maybe this was normal.

Trowa put his coffee down. “I’ve just been living day to day too. It’s strange not having to fight to survive every day, isn’t it?”

I nodded. I got the feeling Trowa wasn’t just talking about the war. Curiosity struck me and I tried to stifle it. The discomfort I got from ignoring my desires was all but gone, but there was still a twinge there that made me aware I was doing it. I was starting to understand that this wasn’t the way a normal person should behave, so I took that twinge as my cue to go ahead and ask my question.

“...Trowa, do you have a family?”


	6. Reasons For Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Heero asks Trowa if he had any family, Trowa and Heero chat about both of their lives over coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so delayed! I actually wrote it at the same time as I wrote the previous chapter, but then I got ill, had a trip out of town, and was busy while trying to recover and it took awhile for me to find time to edit. I have had an idea for the next chapter for weeks, so hopefully I can get back on the horse!

Trowa’s eyes widened and I just barely could hear a small gasp escape. Had I really surprised him that much, or was the subject of his family that painful?”

“Sorry, that’s not fair of me to ask,” I said. I thought back to how I had surprised Quatre on the phone a few weeks ago, asking him why he wasn’t doing therapy too. Was what I was asking people really so shocking, or was it that it was surprising coming from me?

_Does that mean that I’ve already changed since the war?_

“No, it’s fine. It’s not that. I just didn’t expect that kind of question from you, Heero,” Trowa said, confirming my suspicions. He smiled and sipped his coffee again before continuing. “I don’t mind talking about it, especially lately. To answer your question though, I’d need to explain a little bit more about my past,” he said.

I realized I had always been somewhat curious about Trowa. I could feel that we were similiar people - what kind of things could he have gone through to become someone like me? We had never asked each other out of a mutual respect for privacy. That respect was still there but now it felt like after all we had been through it was okay to get to know each other a little better. We knew we would keep each other’s secrets.

“When I was two years old, I lost my parents, due to the war,” Trowa began. “I was lucky I guess. I was able to survive off the kindness of others until mercenaries found me and gave me some sort of home. I worked with them up until…” Trowa’s eyes became distant.

Suddenly, I understood. I nodded and Trowa refocused on me. He lowered his voice to a near whisper. “I ended up going into space and working with the Barton foundation on my gundam. I wasn’t the original intended pilot, but I took over when he was killed. And you know the rest.” He finished his coffee and placed it down on the table carefully. Then he looked back up at me and smiled. “But that wasn’t what you asked. You asked if I had any family…” Trowa’s face grew softer. “I do.”

“You mean Catherine?”

Trowa closed his eyes and nodded. “Actually...I just found out something pretty amazing. For the first time, Catherine and I talked about her family. She even got the manager to find some old photos. And when I saw her parents, they just felt...familiar. I couldn’t stop staring at them. I didn’t say anything but Cathy could tell something was wrong. She wouldn’t leave me alone until I told her,” Trowa shook his head, and I could hear the amusement in his voice. “I’m glad she didn’t. I told her they looked familiar and she told me that was impossible, I would have been too young to ever know them. Then she just started staring at me...like she was looking at someone completely different. She started going through the photo box, throwing all the pictures out and I got worried that something was wrong. And then she found it,” Trowa said, eyes glistening. “There was a picture of a little boy who looked a lot like me with his mother.”

Trowa’s voice was thick with emotion in a way I had never heard before. I thought I was beginning to realize why Trowa seemed so different now. Family must have been something he was desperately seeking all this time.

“I told Catherine everything I could remember. About how I knew I’d been born on Earth and where my earliest memories were. I’d never told anyone about my past, but Cathy, she just started crying and hugging me when I finished. She told me, ‘it has to be you, you must be Triton’.” Trowa looked down at his cup with a sad smile. “I guess I have a name and a home now. I guess I always had one. I don’t know how I found Catherine, but she’s always been like a big sister to me. It just felt natural being around her. But I rejected that at first because I didn’t understand it. But, after I tried to kill myself...and you said to live by your emotions...I knew I never wanted to make her sad.”

I felt relieved for Trowa, and... happy too. He had someone who had cared about him and pulled him back from the brink of death. “We haven’t done any blood tests yet - I think we’re still both a little nervous about that. But I found out my family has always been with the circus. It’s crazy to think that I ended up back there of all places, but I guess it’s in my blood. I’ve never believed in destiny or fate, but I’m not sure what to think now.” Trowa looked at me. “Sorry, I know you didn’t ask for all of this. But I felt like I needed to tell someone, and...I consider you a friend, Heero.”

A friend? Yeah...I guess it’s been true since he helped me through my own hard time. But it still felt strange to hear it out loud. “I’ve never had any friends so I don’t know much about that. But listening to you is the least I could do to repay you for all you’ve done for me, Trowa.” I wondered if that was the wrong thing to say. It wasn’t like I didn’t consider Trowa a friend, I just wasn’t sure how to say what I meant.

But he seemed to understand. “Like I said back then, it was no problem. I did it because I wanted to. And it wasn’t like I had anything better to do at that time,” Trowa said with a smile.

“You haven’t told Quatre yet?” I asked. I would have thought he would be the first person he would tell.

“No. I’m actually not sure why I haven’t yet. I think it’s just because of how excited I know Quatre will get. I think I’d rather wait to tell him when we’re sure. And I’d probably better do it in person or he’ll just drop everything to come down and see us.” Trowa sighed.

I smiled. Yeah, that sounded like Quatre.

The waitress walked up and asked Trowa if he wanted a refill. He nodded and gave her his cup. When she left he turned back to me and nodded at my drink.

“How’s yours?”

I looked at the coffee I was only half done with. I had nearly forgotten it while listening to Trowa’s story. “Good,” I hesitated before adding, “Thanks.”

“No problem. But if you’d like, you can repay my favor by telling me what you’re really doing here.”

I had picked up the coffee and was drinking it when Trowa’s words hit me. I stopped mid-sip and looked at him. He had the smallest hint of a smile on his face and I knew there was nothing I could do to get out of this one. I was reminded of Duo getting one over on me a few weeks ago but for some reason I didn’t mind it as much with Trowa.

He had been completely honest with me and told me about what was most important to him without hesitation. _If I want to get stronger, I’ll just have to push through my own weakness too._

“I’ve been going to therapy,” I said. I wasn’t able to meet Trowa’s eyes though. “My therapist suggested I get a job with one of my old comrades and you just happened to be coming here.” I finished my coffee in one swallow. Fine. It was out there. I’d always gotten the feeling that Trowa looked up to me but now he saw just how weak I really was.

Trowa couldn’t hide the surprise on his face, but it quickly turned into something else I couldn’t identify. It was a warm look though, not one of disgust like I’d expected. “I see. You’ve gotten even stronger.”

“How do you figure?” I asked.

Trowa’s eyes again looked distant as he spoke. “You’re going because you wanna finally deal with everything in your past, right?”

“That’s part of it.”

“And I think I’m too afraid to do that. In order to protect myself, I spent a long time building walls around my heart. I don’t know if I could survive tearing them down,” he said, his voice quiet again.

“...Is that how you see it?” I asked, still holding onto my empty coffee cup. I stared into it, as if I could escape the weight of Trowa’s words by looking into it.  “I guess if I looked at it like that then maybe I wouldn’t have done it either. But to me it’s just one more mission to complete. Life is a series of goals to finish and I’ve got an even bigger one I’m going to accomplish.” I looked up at Trowa now, and stared directly into his eyes. “And I’m not going to let anything get in my way. Especially not myself.”

Trowa’s eyes grew wide with something like wonder...until he inhaled sharply as if remembering something.

Then he began to laugh.

I frowned.

_...is he making fun of me?_

Seeing the expression on my face Trowa stopped and cleared his throat. But a small smile remained as he explained himself. “Sorry for laughing. It wasn’t what you said, not at all. In fact, I think that’s an incredible way to think. I think I understand just how it is that you got so strong. I need to stop overthinking things so much and be more like that.”

 _No Trowa_ , I wanted to say, _you don’t need to be like me_. But Trowa went on.

“It’s just...I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I wondered how you could be so strong without something to fight for anymore. But then I realized, you do have something. It’s Relena, isn’t it?”

My face felt a little hot suddenly. It seemed that I had somehow told him everything. He knew why I was doing the therapy and more importantly, what my reason to continue living was. Having it all laid bare like that…

The waitress appeared with Trowa’s tea then and apologized for the wait. I hadn’t noticed much, but it had gotten a lot busier in here since we’d sat down. The waitress had also brought me another coffee, on the house, for the delay. The false moonlight of the colony came streaming through my window, making me remember Relena and I’s last encounter. My cheeks felt like they were on fire now. _Why do I feel this way?_ I couldn’t remember ever having felt like this.

It seemed like I was always being thrown off balance lately. First I’d feel uncomfortable and  then despite my best efforts eventually I’d just end up having the rug pulled out from under me.

 _I don’t know how to deal with all this. I’ve never been good with people in the first place - I just don’t have the training for this!_ I glared into my coffee cup. If I thought things were bad then, then came Trowa’s voice to seal the deal.

“Heero, are you...blushing?” he said. I could hear the surprise and amusement in his voice.

“What’s your point?” I was aware that the expression on my face might be considered childish. It might even be called ‘pouting’. I couldn’t believe it. _This is ridiculous._ It took everything I had to keep from getting up right then and there. I had to save whatever dignity I had left by facing the mess I had made at least.

“I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable,” Trowa said smoothly. “I had heard about your relationship with Relena, but I didn’t know it was um….” Trowa faltered as he tried to find the right word. _Are things that complicated between us that even Trowa can’t describe it?_ He gave up and said instead, “So how long have you two been together?”

“We’re aren’t…!” I surprised even myself by almost shouting my response. I was tense, and I had to tell myself this is just a conversation about Relena, not a mobile suit battle. Trowa hid whatever emotion he was feeling behind his coffee cup. I realized I had made my hands into fists on the table. _I need to relax._

“Sorry. Not used to talking about...this.” _Whatever it was._

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Trowa sounded sincere... but I still got the feeling he was actually pretty curious about it.

“...Just ask me what you want to know. And promise me that you won’t tell Duo or Quatre,” I sighed. I didn’t want things to be awkward so I figured it was best to just get it out of the way.

“Deal,” Trowa said immediately. I was right. He was good at hiding it but he _was_ curious. I trusted Trowa to keep his word but I also knew that the other pilots could be persuasive in their own way. And Trowa might even give them hints to satisfy them. But at least they wouldn’t be asking me.

“So are you and the Vice Foreign Minister romantically involved?”

…! _Trowa, you really don’t beat around the bush._ I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t that.

“I...I’m not…I don’t know.” I swallowed hard. Maybe this was a bad idea. I felt like I could have dealt with Duo and Quatre’s casual pestering better.

Trowa’s cool eyes gazed out at me from over his coffee mug. “You don’t know?”

It was really hot in the café. I guessed it was to counteract the chilly night but I suddenly wished I had a cold drink. I wanted to take off my jacket but that’d feel like I was admitting defeat.

“How am I supposed to know?” I asked, gritting my teeth. It was an effort not to tell him to just forget our deal.

Trowa took a moment to respond as he finished his coffee, leaving me to twist in the wind.

_And to think I was just thinking of him as a friend a few minutes ago._

“If you don’t know, it sounds like something’s gone on between you two,” he said finally, letting the implications hang in the air.

My cheeks felt hot again as I remembered. The subtle, yet sweet scents of _her_ , her large blue-green eyes and long lashes, her soft lips…

Trowa was watching me carefully and I felt like I wanted to cover my face and hide. I was being stupid, but my emotions were out of control. _How could she have this effect on me and not even be here?_

“Wow Heero,” Trowa said, smiling. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re good looking, capable, and you have certain qualities about you that people tend to find attractive. I just thought you were too focused to have time for love during the war. And a politician’s daughter too. It’s like some kind wartime romance novel.”

“It wasn’t like that,” I said hurriedly. I had already gotten used to how hot my face felt but I was sure it was still red and would be through this whole conversation. “She was just a girl that got in my way at first. I never intended...I never thought something like this could have happened when I first met her.” _Argh, why did I say that?_ It felt like I was admitting defeat.

Trowa closed his eyes. “I see. Yeah, things like romance and love, they don’t stop just because you’re surrounded by death on a daily basis. Life keeps on happening.” His voice sounded sad and I knew there was a lot more pain in Trowa’s own past than I knew. When he opened his eyes he looked very tired. It was like being around Catherine brought life to him, and remembering his past sucked it right out. I think I understood how it was that he lived everyday.

“It’s getting late.” I said, glancing at my watch. “We can talk about this stuff some other time.” Though secretly, I hoped we never would, I knew he’d probably be able to convince me to again.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” Trowa said, standing up. “Oh, and I think Cathy is cooking tonight.”

I thought back to the time she was taking care of me. Her food was alright but she often tried to make it special by random spices and flavors...so sometimes it could be hit or miss.

“I don’t mind, I’ll eat anything.” I stood up too.

Trowa laughed. “Spoken like someone who’s lived their life thankful they had any food at all.”

Trowa had laughed but I knew he understood that neither of our lives had been pleasant. Even I recognized it was a sign of how much he had grown that he could laugh so freely about it, compared to the cold and reserved person I first met.

I pulled out my wallet and Trowa shook his head a little. “It’s on me. If you want to pay me back, you’ll have to tell me about your childhood sometime. And about Relena too,” he said shyly.

Trowa wasn’t looking at me and I wondered if he was embarrassed. _Is he trying to get to know me better?_ After a lifetime of being ignored it still seemed strange that someone should be interested in me. But I knew that Trowa and I had a lot in common; a unique past that not many could understand and a similar way of dealing with it. At the least he could be useful - no. That wasn’t right. Trowa had always been good to me and now it was time for me to return the favor.

I nodded. “Alright, but only if you pick the place again. I’m not good with that kind of stuff.”

Trowa smiled. “Deal.”

 

 


	7. The Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heero takes on a job and it takes a turn for the worse.

_February 11th, AC 197_

The sun was out, and it rarely snowed on this colony. It was a good day for a job.

Or so I thought.

I stood at the window’s ledge, looking down. It was only a three story drop, but I needed to time it just right. Alongside the wall there were garbage cans that I needed to make sure not to hit when I jumped. I felt a small wave of discomfort pulse through me.

 _Huh?_ _Am I actually nervous about this?_

I’d never really noticed before, but the ground was pretty far away…

Before I could continue that line of thought a figure appeared some distance away on the street. It was a young woman with blonde hair. She was with two other men, dressed in suits. At first glance she appeared to be casually walking along but something in her hurried pace indicated otherwise. Her eyes were also darting back and forth along the narrow alley way.

I tried to shake off my previous thoughts.

 _I’m just overthinking this. I’ve done this a hundred times. Just need to focus_.

I tensed, readying myself to jump down as I watched the area where the woman had come from.

That was when I heard it.

Footsteps.

Technically, they were coming from two directions. One was from below, and it wasn’t from behind the woman as I had expected, but from ahead. However, it was the other direction I was more concerned about…

I heard the all-too familiar sound of a gun being cocked from behind my head.

“Stay quiet and I-”

I spun around and at the same time reached for the arm of my assailant. I grabbed it with one hand as I grabbed his body with the other, successfully twisting his arm behind his back. He dropped the gun and I kicked it away.

“What-”

Before the man could say another word I moved the arm I had been using to hold his body up to his neck and squeezed. In one smooth motion, I dropped the arm I had been twisting in order to grab onto my other one to complete the choke hold. The man’s freed hands went up to his throat but I paid no attention as I looked out onto the street. The owner of the footsteps I had heard before had approached the group I had been watching. He was aiming a gun at them.

The man I was holding stopped struggling and I dropped him as he went limp. I quickly calculated my jump and braced myself against the window.

_If I jump on him from this height, I could seriously injure him...._

Somewhere inside myself the irony of that considerate thought wasn’t lost on me as I leapt off the windowsill. I landed in a crouch beside the gunman and quickly stood up, narrowly dodging his attempt to hit me with the gun. At the same time I grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back as I had just done a few moments ago. I was now facing the two surprised bodyguards. I couldn’t see the girl who had shrunk behind them.

“Is it just you two?” I said to the man I was holding. I wasn’t expecting an honest answer.

“Like I’m going to- argh!” he yelled. I had twisted the man’s arm very slightly.

“Talk or die,” I bluffed. I tightened my hold on the man’s body, trying to show some indication of my true strength.

It must have worked, because he broke out into a sweat. “I-I- just let me go and I’ll tell you!” he begged.

“No,” I said simply. “Tell me first.”

The man squirmed in pain but I held him easily in my grasp. I focused my attention back on my surroundings and realized I saw something in the reflection of one of the bodyguard’s glasses.

_…What?!_

On instinct, I moved, letting go of the man I held. A gunshot rang out and the man cried out in pain. He clutched his chest and fell to his knees. At the same time, the bodyguards in front of the girl had dived out of the way, leaving her exposed and terrified. A new man walked up, dressed in all grey with white plastic mask over his face.

I felt an overwhelming sense of imminent danger from this man and yelled out “Sylvia!” as I dived toward the girl. She startled as she turned her head towards me and our bodies collided. Another gunshot roared through the air as I tumbled with Sylvia and forcibly kept us rolling toward the side of the street. I rolled until we crashed into the garbage cans and trash spilled on top of us.

_This is bad. How’d it go so bad so quickly? Did I screw up? No, no time to think about that right now._

We were sitting targets in this alleyway. I had to protect Sylvia. Now there were three enemies, each probably with a gun. I had checked out the background of those bodyguards myself, how could they-?

_No, not now Heero!_

The only thing protecting us was the hectic nature of the situation and the trash cans and boxes that had fallen on us. Any moment now they would start shooting and all I could do was cover Sylvia’s mouth and shield her with my body. I had placed her between the wall of the alley and myself and now she looked up at me with frightened green eyes…and somehow I was reminded of Relena.

_Sylvia...Relena...I’m sorry._

BANG! The loud boom of a gun being shot once again echoed through the quiet alleyway and I instinctively shut my eyes to brace for the familiar pain.

_…_

But there was none. Instead I heard another man grunt in pain and…

_Is someone fighting?_

Keeping Sylvia down I carefully raised my head just enough to see over the garbage can next to me.

_What?!_

_Trowa?!_

Trowa had one man down on the ground - probably the one that had shot the gun - and was punching the other one in the gut as I looked on. I was surprised at how strong he was. His usual style was more speed oriented and precise. But this was no time to be surprised.

“Stay here and don’t move until I tell you to,” I said to Sylvia. She looked confused and was visibly shaking but gave a slight nod. I felt a pang of sympathy for her and quickly added, “Help is here,” before leaping out from the trash.

Trowa had knocked both of Sylvia’s traitorous guards unconscious and was staring down the man in the white mask. He had in his hand a gun he likely got off one of the men. And he was aiming at the masked man who was aiming at him.

It was a standoff.

_Trowa...!_

When I leapt up the masked man’s eyes went to me but his gun didn’t waver. Just as I’d expected, this man was no amateur. My eyes met with Trowa’s for an instant and he inclined his head just a fraction. I took it as acknowledgement - Trowa knew how I worked. I made up on mind and dashed straight for the man. He did a double take as he realized I had no intentions of stopping. He finally turned his gun toward me at last moment and in my peripheral vision I saw Trowa take aim.

I didn’t stop.

A final gunshot rang out as I lunged for the gunman.

As I plowed into his legs, knocking him over, the man grunted and dropped the gun to the ground. I scrambled to climb over the man and pressed my elbow into his neck, as well as all my body weight. He was much larger than me and I knew there was a good chance he’d be able to throw me off as soon as he regained his bearings. I noticed his hand was bloody - Trowa had managed to hit him. Oblivious or uncaring to his own inury, the man started to struggle to throw me off. Trowa had run over however, and now pointed his gun at the man’s face.

“You’ve been outmaneuvered and you’re outnumbered. It would be wise to stop struggling,” Trowa said coldly. I didn’t risk looking at him, but I knew I’d find the expression of a killer if I did.

And I realized I didn’t want to see that.

“Who are you?” I asked the masked man. Trowa crouched down to remove his mask but the man started violently thrashing around. He reached behind his back and grabbed me with massive hands. As I lost my hold on him, he forcefully rolled over and I was thrown off. I rolled on the ground to protect myself, and the masked man jumped up.

He threw something on the ground and smoke erupted all around us. Trowa and I both began coughing. They were violent, choking, gasping coughs. Some kind of tear gas?

My eyes were burning as I stood up, trying to see through the smoke. I stayed where I was though, not wanting to become a target for Trowa who I was sure was looking for the man. I felt the urge to vomit from the gas rising up in me, but my training kicked in and I calmed my stomach. I tried to slow my ragged breathing as well but after all of the tension, exertion and the gas, it was near impossible.

I realized that my poor eyesight wasn’t just from the smoky nature of the gas. Everything was blurry and I felt like I was nearly blind. I tried to keep down the fear that the gas might actually have permanently have damaged my eyes as I realized Trowa - being even closer to the explosion - might have gotten hit worse. As my eyes burned and my stomach roiled, I heard nothing but silence. I found myself growing more and more concerned. And…

_Sylvia was all alone!_

“Trowa?” I finally yelled out. I knew that if the masked man was still around, I’d be an easy target. But I guessed that he probably wouldn’t be coming back and I couldn’t stand waiting around anymore.

“Heero,” Trowa responded, from somewhere close to me. I gingerly walked over to where I had heard the voice until I felt a presence near me.

“That you Trowa?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

I reached out until I grabbed his arm. “Can you see?”

“Not much.”

I started walking with Trowa, forcing my eyes to stay open as much as I could stand. We were headed back toward where we left Sylvia. It was hard to walk calmly back over to her when I knew she might be in danger, but I knew if we ran with our poor vision we might just land in more trouble. I relied on my ears but I heard nothing at all in the quiet alleyway. As we exited the gas cloud and neared the trash cans, I called out.

“Sylvia?”

Nothing.

“Sylvia...as in Sylvia Noventa?” Trowa murmured. Before I could answer, he said a little louder, “Sylvia, it’s okay to come out now. You’re safe.”

More silence followed. I was about to go check the trash cans myself when there was the sound of cans falling. I spotted movement coming from the place I left Sylvia. She sat up, covered in trash, and I could hear her crying more than I could see it.

I stopped in front of her, not sure what to do or say.

“...Sorry,” was all I could mumble.

_Some escort I am._

* * *

 

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me. After seeing Sylvia off to her relative’s estate, we came back to Trowa’s trailer to wash off and get first aid. Once the tear gas had worn off, neither of us had been hurt beyond a few minor scrapes and bruises.

_It’s strange, but a year ago I wouldn’t have even noticed that much._

When I came out of the bathroom, Trowa was waiting for me. Having already having showered in someone else’s trailer, he was already dressed. Since his usual turtleneck and slacks combination were dirty from the fight, he was wearing a plain white button shirt and pants, much like the set he had loaned me over a year ago. Over that, he had on his black leather jacket.

He was sitting on the couch with his arms spread out over the top, leaning his head back. His eyes were closed. He looked peaceful, and not at all like someone who had just been wielding a gun and knocking out grown men an hour ago.

“In the top drawer.”

“Hmm?” I said.

“You can use those clothes.”

I walked over to the dresser and rummaged through the top drawer before finding some jeans and a faded yellow collared shirt. I put on the clothes and as I finished buttoning the collar Trowa spoke.

“Do you want to get dinner? Cathy’s going out tonight and I’m too tired to cook.”

“Sure,” I said, turning around to Trowa.

He opened his eyes and sat forward. “I know a good Japanese place not too far from that cafe we went to. Is that okay?”

“Yeah.”

He rose smoothly and put his hands in his pockets. “Let’s go.”

I grabbed my jacket and followed him to the door.


	8. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Heero's job that nearly went bad, explanations are requested and given, but a phone call from an unexpected old friend interrupts.

I sat in front of Trowa outside of the restaurant. It was completely empty outside since it wasn’t dinner time yet. I let Trowa order for me again, and leaned back, trying to admire the false sunset of the colony.

My mind wandered back to the conversation we’d had a few days ago. My stomach felt uneasy when I remembered our deal to talk about my past.

And Relena.It’d be too much to hope he’d forget.

But in reality, there were more serious issues on my mind and I knew I was just trying to distract myself. I sighed as the waiter gathered our menus up and Trowa looked at me.

“It’s a little chilly out, so I thought some sake might warm us up. Do you drink?”

“I have,” I admitted. In the colonies, the age you could drink at was decided per colony cluster. Here it was apparently 15, but on some it was as much as 25, or so I’d heard. I hesitated before adding, “I like hard stuff, but sake’s good too. I don’t drink often though.”

Trowa nodded, as if what I’d said made sense. “I prefer wines myself.”

A silence followed, but it wasn’t our usual comfortable one. We still hadn’t talked about what had happened today. I was getting nervous that maybe he’d start talking about Relena instead when Trowa started speaking.

“So. Sylvia,” he said, purposefully omitting her last name. “Didn’t think we’d be seeing her again. I didn’t know you were taking those kinds of jobs Heero.”  

I looked down. I had been doing work with the circus for the past few days, setting up, cleaning...simple, “honest” stuff, but a job had come up that I felt I couldn’t turn down. Cathy had almost lost it when I asked to take the time off, but Trowa had come to my defense, saying I could take as much time as I needed.

I felt like I’d betrayed him.

“I don’t normally. The work I usually do is much more tame,” I said in a low voice. “Information gathering, reconnaissance, that kind of thing. But when Sylvia asked me….”

“I see. I get it. You still feel like you owe her. But how’d she find you anyway?”

Still looking down, I said reluctantly, “I’m guessing through Relena. Sylvia’s a new ESUN diplomat and it’s likely they’ve met before.” Damn, I didn’t want to bring up Relena...

“So what happened back there? Who were those guys?” Trowa asked instead. I relaxed, not realizing I had been holding my breath.

“I’m not sure,” I spoke in almost a whisper now. “Sylvia may be being targeted by people have grudges against her grandfather in the Alliance. It could also be some new group trying to start something, and figured she was an easy target. I don’t know yet.”

Trowa leaned back and crossed his arms. “Some people may oppose the granddaughter of an Alliance leader entering world politics. Or some people in the colonies might have long memories about the acts her grandfather committed before he became a voice for peace. It could even be both or something else entirely….” Trowa closed his eyes in thought for a second before opening them. “Why didn’t you tell Preventer?”

I hesitated. I had wanted to, but… “Sylvia didn’t want to. She said she didn’t want to ‘make something out of nothing.’ She’d received some threats since announcing she was going to the colonies but nothing had ever actually happened. She wasn’t sure if it was just a prank and the threats were something that had only come up in the last week.”

“And Preventer has to go through a lot of red tape just to mobilize. I think I understand. But will she report it now? Things are getting out of hand. Those guys were serious,” Trowa said.

I nodded. “I told her she needed to, and that if she wouldn’t I would. Sylvia said she would, but I’ll keep an eye on the situation.” We fell silent as the waiter arrived with our sake and soup. When the waiter left, I asked the question that I had been wondering since I’d first seen Trowa attacking those men.

“Trowa. Why were you there?”

Trowa poured some of his sake into a small cup and spoke as he did so. “It’s a simple reason. I just had a bad feeling since seeing your face last night. I knew whatever had come up was sudden and things involving us usually get serious pretty quickly. I wasn’t sure if I should follow you, but then I remembered what you said to me once. Act on your emotions. After the show ended, I did some checking up on your laptop. I apologize for that,” Trowa said, downing the sake. “As expected, your security is pretty tough to crack, so I’m sorry I was a little late.”

I quietly listened to Trowa but while he spoke a number of emotions had gone through me. Surprise, mostly, but some anger too at the fact that he would invade my privacy like that. I wanted to say something, to tell him to stop getting into my business, but I realized I couldn’t say anything. Trowa had once again saved my life, plain and simple. I hadn’t been able to take care of my job on my own and regardless of whether I wanted it, I had needed Trowa’s help to keep both me and Sylvia alive.

I also was impressed that Trowa was able to get through my security. I guess I need to work on my skills. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that tumbled out of my mouth, because I felt anger about something else too.

“Why’d you butt in?” I said, trying to keep the heat out of my voice. “I thought you were done with that life. Do you want to make Catherine cry again?”

Trowa’s eyes widened. Whatever response he expected out of me, I guessed it wasn’t that one. He seemed speechless in fact.

“I...could say the same about you, Heero. Aren’t you in therapy?” Trowa asked, with some heat in his own voice now. “Don’t you want to get better? You almost got killed!”

“And who would really care Trowa?” I said before I realized what I was asking. I thought I had rid myself of those kinds of thoughts, but apparently not.

Trowa glared so coldly at me behind his bangs that I thought I knew how it felt to be his enemy. “We’d all care Heero. Your friends would, anyone who really knew you would. And she would care. How would I explain that I let you get killed to Relena? What could I say when she was crying over your body because you died on some stupid job?!”

I sat there, stunned. Trowa certainly knew how to hit where it hurt when he wanted to. He had barely raised his voice, but his intensity hit me with all the force of a scream.

I didn’t know...I didn’t realize…

I sat there, feeling like all the air was gone from my lungs. My mouth moved, trying to say something but no words came out. Trowa had leaned in close when we were arguing, but seeing my expression he sat back in his chair with a sigh, and sweeped his bangs out of his face.

“Sorry,” he said, looking pointedly away. I could tell he was still mad.

An awkward silence passed between us, at which point the waiter came back with our food. He seemed to notice the air between us because he didn’t say a word as he placed the plates down and backed away. Are we really that scary?

My world was spinning. There wasn’t just what I had said, or what Trowa had said, even though it was all true. There was something else too. I had vowed to never to kill again but…

“....Trowa. I let a man die.”

During the fight, there hadn’t been time to think about it. There was only time to think of survival and protecting Sylvia. But after I had the gunman on the street in a chokehold, I had been forced to throw him aside and knowingly sacrifice him to save myself.

Could I have saved him? Probably, if I had allowed myself to be seriously injured. But that wasn’t what my training had taught me. I did things in the most direct, effective way possible. A weapon cannot let himself get hurt if possible, especially not if it’s to save another life. Add to that the fact the man was my enemy…

“Heero...” was all that Trowa said. He seemed to be searching for the right words, but I went on speaking.

“I thought maybe...I thought I might have changed. But when it came down to it, I realized I haven't at all. I'm still just a weapon. The only thing I can do right is hurt others."

Trowa looked at me. The coldness and anger in his eyes from earlier had been replaced with something much kinder. "Heero, whatever they told you is a lie. You're not a weapon. You're a human being. And human beings make mistakes. You just did what anyone else would have-"

"No. Not Relena," I said quietly.

Trowa opened his mouth and closed it.

A melody disturbed the tense atmosphere. It was my phone. I felt my eyes widen slightly as I read the name on the screen. Wufei.

My eyes met Trowa's and he nodded slightly. I answered the call.

"Hello?"

"This is Wufei. I need to talk about something important. It’s Preventer business. I'm on the same colony you're on right now. Where can we meet?"

Wufei.... You’re always to the point. I appreciated that about him, but right now it was a little disorienting. He’s here, right now? And he wants to meet?

Feeling overwhelmed, I felt my mind push my emotions aside and focus on the situation at hand.

"I'm at a sushi restaurant right now. " I glanced at Trowa and felt a small pang of guilt. "I'm with Trowa right now. Is this urgent?"

Wufei was silent for a moment and I heard another voice speaking to him. It sounded like... Sally? She’s here too?

Wufei sighed. "No, it's not that urgent. Just call me when you finish your meal. We'll meet up then."

"Why doesn't he just eat with us now?" Trowa cut in. "It is dinnertime and it's been awhile since I've seen him."

While I was wondering how the hell Trowa could hear Wufei, Wufei himself responded.

"Sure, why not? Send me your location and I'll be there soon."

Wufei and I hung up and I looked up to find Trowa smiling gently at me.

"It'll be interesting to see him again. I'm sure we've all grown since the last time we saw each other.”

"Yeah," I said. The last time I had seen Wufei was on less than friendly terms. But now that the call was over, I found myself back to thinking of what Trowa and I had been discussing before. And how even Trowa hadn't had an answer for me. 


	9. Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wufei and Heero have a chat then sit down to dinner with Trowa.

When Wufei got there, the food we’d decided to order for him had just been placed on the table. He refused to eat though, requesting that I give him my briefing on the situation right away.

“Come on, Wufei. That can wait until after we finish eating at least,” Trowa said.

I saw Wufei’s face turn stern and I pushed out my seat and got up. “It’s okay Trowa. This won’t take long.” I said. “Go ahead and eat.”

The restaurant had a large outdoor section and a railing overlooking a pond. Since hardly anyone was outside thanks to the cold weather and time of day, I took Wufei to the most remote corner and leaned against the railing, looking out onto the pond. He leaned against the railing too so that we were facing the same direction. People looking out on us wouldn’t think much of two friends enjoying the view and we’d be free from any spying lip readers. But, Wufei - lacking subtlety as usual - had come in his Preventer uniform, so ultimately we were lucky there didn’t seem to be anyone around.

“Is this about Sylvia?” I asked.

I felt more than saw Wufei’s shock.

“I shouldn’t have expected less from you,” Wufei said.  

“It was obvious,” I said. “There’s something big going on and after everything last year, Preventer is still on high alert. I am impressed you guys caught on so fast though.”

“Don’t underestimate us either,” Wufei said. I could hear the smile in his voice. “Tell me exactly what happened.”

I launched into a full explanation of how Sylvia had come to me, seeking a favor for the debt I owed her, right up to the part where I left her at her family home here on the colony. I left nothing out. I trusted Wufei and I knew Preventer would need every scrap of information it could get if they were going to be able to catch these guys and keep the peace.

Wufei was silent after I finished talking. I was sure it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Then again…

“They sound like a formidable enemy for even you guys to have trouble with them. I can’t help but find myself getting excited,” he said.

I cast a sidelong glance at Wufei and saw he was still staring out at the pond, but with a grin on his face. I thought about giving him a warning but instead I turned back to the pond myself. _No_ , _I trust him._ Honestly, I’d learned to trust all of the other gundam pilots implicitly.

“Is Preventer going to be able to handle this?” I asked instead.

Wufei let out a small sigh. “I hate to admit it, but there is a possibility we’ll need you guys’ help. We’re still hiring skilled soldiers, but we don’t have many people at a high level. Most of these soldiers aren’t physically or mentally up to the task of having more power yet.”

I said nothing. Wufei always seemed to think I was strong but...My memories flashed back to the man I had let die in order to protect myself. _I want to protect the peace we won but...am I really up to the task?_ The words I had once said to Dr. Winner came back to me. _“I want to become a stronger person,"_ I had said. _"I want to be able to live a normal life."_

_...I’m supposed to be leading a normal life now, but I just keep getting pulled back in._

“Sorry,” Wufei said.

I looked at him, questioning.

“That we’re still so weak that we have to rely on you guys,” Wufei said quietly. “We’re getting stronger, but we’re not there yet. I know you want to have normal lives. But please...lend us your strength until we’re stronger.”

I stared at Wufei. “Wufei…” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice.

Wufei looked back at me and smiled. “I guess Sally’s rubbing off on me after all.”

A slight smile played over my lips at that. Sally was a tough woman, I knew Wufei would be just fine with her. But...I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

“I don’t think I’m strong at all. I’ve started therapy.” Wufei’s eyes widened but I quickly went on before I lost the nerve to tell him what I needed to say. “Trowa was right. I shouldn’t have taken this job. I let a man _die_. I promised never to kill again, but even in this new world...Someone died because I screwed up again, to save myself. Even if he was my enemy, he could have been saved!”

Wufei said nothing and I fell silent, unable to look him in the eye. I’d heard that during the rebellion none of the Gundam pilots let a single soldier die, even though they were their enemies. And yet when I was in the same situation, I threw him aside in an instant to save my own pathetic life. I felt frustrated when I realized I was finding myself falling back into my old way of thinking. That my life was worthless and that I should just let it end.

_What was the point of all the progress I’ve made if I’m just going to end up like this again?_

Wufei’s voice cut through my dark thoughts. “That man was mistaken. Like I was. It’s true he could have been saved and even might have changed to help sustain the peace like I did.”

Each of his words pierced through my heart as if Relena herself was chastising me. But Wufei went on.

“But this man chose the path that he did because to him, it was the best one to take,” he spoke haltingly, as if he was figuring out his thoughts as he spoke. “He knew the risks and died doing what he thought was right for him.”

Wufei looked at me now. “If I had died back then, fighting you, I would not have had any regrets. I was doing what I thought was right - even if I was wrong - I had judged it to be right. And if you had killed me then, it wouldn’t have been your fault or your responsibility. Because I had chosen to become your enemy because it was the right path to me.”

I didn’t say anything as I turned Wufei’s words over in my mind. “How can you say that it wasn’t my fault? I chose his life over mine, Wufei.”

“You reacted on instinct, as any trained warrior would,” Wufei said firmly. His face was serious and filled with conviction. “If he had the choice, that man would have chosen his own life and killed you without regret. He made his choice, and he was too weak to survive making the wrong one.”

Another silence fell between us. I wasn’t sure if Wufei was right but what he was saying didn’t sound wrong, exactly.

_But what would Relena say?_

I still had no answer for that.

“Oh, and I don’t think you’re weak for seeking treatment,” Wufei said with a smile. “Seeking to heal the wounds of the past will only make you stronger. There are many different ways to accomplish that, and I believe you chose what was right for you. Just as the rest of us will choose what is right for us.”

Wufei really had changed. I remembered him as a confused, angry soul who always fought alone. But here he was, telling me that seeking help didn’t make me weak.

“...Thanks, Wufei,” I said finally, pushing off the railing and turning to him. Wufei’s words hadn’t removed all doubt from my mind, but he had made me feel better. It was the last place I expected to get support from, but…

_I guess we’ve all changed._

”It seems like you’ve become stronger yourself,” I said.

“Hmm, I don’t know about that,” Wufei said, scratching his cheek. He seemed somehow embarrassed. “It was Sally who taught me that even if you are weak you should keep fighting for what you believe in. Without both her words and yours, I don’t know where I’d be right now.”  

Trowa walked up to us just then. “You guys done talking yet? Dinner’s waiting.”

“Sorry,” I said, walking back over to our table. When I got there, I saw that none of the food had been touched since I’d left. “Trowa…”

“I’ve learned that food is more enjoyable when you have others to share it with,” Trowa said simply, seating himself.

Wufei smiled and sat down too. “I agree,” he said.

As we quietly ate, I thought about how much better the food really did taste than normal. It was something I never really thought about before, but I found myself even more relaxed because Trowa and Wufei were there. We were all soldiers, warriors who had been through countless battles and had even fought each other. So to be sitting there quietly eating with no immediate threats seemed almost unreal. I felt like I didn’t have to be on my guard with these guys around.

As I felt myself becoming relaxed, I couldn’t help but smile.

While our dinner was mostly eaten in silence, towards the end, a conversation was struck up - one that focused on me.

“What do you think Wufei?” Trowa had asked, regarding the food. Wufei had seemed hesitant about the sushi at first, but he was eating thoughtfully now.

“It’s good. This is my first time having it. I’ve never had raw fish before.”

“Hmm?” Trowa said. He stopped eating and looked thoughtful. “I could have sworn I read something about sushi originating in China.”

“It did,” I said absentmindedly. “But it was different from what we’re eating now. This is what the Japanese came up with.” I continued to eat, but I noticed Trowa was staring at me.

“You’re from the L1 colony cluster aren’t you?”

I stopped eating. Images of what happened the last time I was on my home colony flashed through my mind, unbidden and unwanted. The explosions, the mobile suit crashing into the buildings as I looked on, utterly helpless to stop it. I felt a strange heat as something like anxiety and fear took hold of my body.

_Not here, not now…_

Wufei had stopped eating too and seemed to be staring at nothing.

“Uh,” Trowa’s voice sounded very far away. I was focused on calming my breathing. He was saying something about…

“...Relena lately?”

My head jerked up.

_Relena? What about Relena?_

I was alert now, but just hearing her name seemed to cause my previous fear to start receding somewhat.

“Huh?” I looked at Trowa, trying to focus.

Trowa smiled gently. “I was asking Wufei if he had heard anything about Relena lately. Preventer probably knows more about what she’s doing than the public does.”

I looked at Wufei who seemed a little dazed too. I had heard that Wufei was from a colony in the L5 cluster. _Could he have been from the one that self destructed?_ I wondered if that was what he was thinking about now, but it was clear Trowa was trying to change the subject.

And he had chose Relena as the new one.

“I…” Wufei seemed to be struggling to pull away from his own thoughts. “Actually, yes. I heard Sally mention that there are some rumors that she’s gone to Earth to rest because she’s fallen ill.”

_What?!_

My prior panic from before was all but forgotten and replaced with feeling of fear that was less powerful, but still very real.

“Are you sure about that Wufei? I’d...heard...she’d gone to meet with an ambassador to the Sanc Kingdom,” I said.

Trowa looked confused. “The news is saying she’s going to have some meetings with ESUN officials back on Earth.”

We stared at each other.

“...The enemy could be making a move.” Wufei said quietly.

We all sat quiet for a few moments. Then Trowa took a sip of his drink and began speaking.

“Did you guys know that Valentine’s Day is this weekend?”

I stared at Trowa blankly. Trowa was usually more subtle about things, but he hadn’t even tried to be this time. Wufei also looked surprised, then turned a little red.

“Things like that don’t concern me,” Wufei said, looking down.

“Are you sure?” Trowa said, apparently unconcerned himself as he drank.

Wufei looked even redder but didn’t answer. Valentine’s Day...I wondered what Relena would be doing on that day. If she was really was healthy, she was probably going to be working. She had even worked on her last birthday. A small, ridiculous thought in the back of my mind wondered if she had any special plans that day, but I shook my head to clear it.

“When you go check on Relena, make sure you bring something appropriate, Heero,” Trowa said casually.

I tried to keep my face expressionless as I realized what he was getting at. The waiter came with the bill just then and Trowa took it and looked over it as he continued.

“I suggest sticking with something simple, like flowers and chocolates. I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy just to get anything from you guys.”

Wufei and I said nothing, but when our eyes met, we both looked away.

_Trowa really is scary sometimes._


End file.
